You have probably heard the phrase "good fences make good neighbors." Today, however, I was thankful that I did not have a fence between my neighbors and me, at least in the front yard! While I was watering the grass and a few plants that we recently put in the ground, I had the opportunity to observe a scene that is the source of inspiration for this weekly update. I watched as my neighbors carried luggage out of their home and place the bags into the rear of their son's vehicle. The son was evidently heading back to college after a long holiday weekend. I began to think back a few years when he and I stood in my front yard and discussed his participation in high school band. He was a drummer and a member of the same high school drum line where I occupied the lofty position of "drum line captain" way back when....  As that memory flashed through my mind, I noticed that the young man's mother was teary eyed and hugging her son as if he was still a toddler. The son looked VERY ready to go, and the dad was focused on making sure the luggage was packed away neatly. After the goodbyes, the son drove away and the parents retreated back into their house. Not a minute later the dad came back out and got into his truck which had obviously been wrecked recently. I had not noticed the damage before, and I remembered that the family has another son still of high school age. My mind began to wander, but before I had a chance to put the pieces together about the damage to the truck, another car pulled up to the house and another young man walked up to the front door and began to knock. I saw the high schooler, the other son of the neighbors, come to the door and simply gesture to his friend in a way that indicated he could not leave the house "today." I suspect that the damage to the truck may have been one of the reasons why the other son was unable to accompany his eager friend!

 

All of these events, occurring within a ten minute period of time, began to explain why the neighbor had acted a "little differently" just couple of days prior. On that morning, I greeted the neighbor with the usual wave and hello, only to have the neighbor return the greeting with a slight wave and a dismissive sort of look. This was unusual because the neighbor and I usually exchange very friendly greetings and have even stopped to talk for several minutes on occasion. I began to wonder if the neighbor had suddenly become upset with me because I recently have had to "borrow" his wireless internet connection, as my own internet service has recently been replaced by inept customer service and intermittent connection (another story for another day). Now, after being witness to several events that signaled to me that this neighbor’s family was going through several transitional stages at one point in time, I began to understand that his dismissive wave was not meant as impersonal but rather an indication that he was preoccupied, to say the least.

 

I share all of this not to encourage you to be a nosey neighbor, but to point out that there are always factors, of which we may not be aware, impacting people. As important as self awareness is for all of us in this profession, being "other focused" is equally important. If we want to understand people in order to assist them, either as neighbors or as case managers, we have to be willing to consider all of the factors under which that person is living. Family transition (college age children, high school age kids, relationship issues), health care issues, work life, and social status are all factors that can impact individuals and impact their mood not only toward us, but toward everyone around them. It is our job, our responsibility, and our opportunity to gain insight before making judgments so that we can effectively interact and assist as needed. This week, resist any urge to judge your clients' actions or decisions before fully understanding what factors may be impacting their behavior. Work to reduce the number of fences that exist in your relationships, or at least work to reduce the height of any fences that do exist. You may find that you are able to see things more clearly than ever before. Have a great week!

 

Blessings,

Stephen

 

Stephen P Carr, II, MA, MFT

Program Director
Mississippi Case Management Consortium